Give the example

The boys watch the adults to know how to act. That is why it is so important to look at ourselves.

●Offer a model. The example is not only in how we treat our friends, but also the people we pass on the street or the people who work with us. If we have violent expressions on a daily basis, we cannot pretend that the boys do not have them.

●Respect and not humiliate. As adults we have to be very careful with what we say in front of children since we can humiliate them and make them feel bad without realizing it, for example, when we say things that embarrass them and belong to their privacy. A good example is what happens when we detect something in a chat. We have to be careful not to forward it to other mothers or fathers, because we would be doing exactly what we want to fight.

STRENGTHEN SELF-ESTEEM

Boys who are more self-assured form healthy bonds and are less frequently involved in violent situations.

●Help them tolerate frustration. Self-esteem is built by failing and with tolerance for error. How? Giving them confidence and teaching them that we are good at some things and not at others, but that does not make us less lovable. We have to accompany them in their falls and show them that if they make a mistake or something goes wrong, we are going to hug them.

●Don’t magnify them. Self-esteem is not strengthened by repeating to our children that they are geniuses or telling them “you’re the best at soccer, you’re Messi, you’re a crack”, when in reality they are “patadura”. In that case, they will later end up colliding with reality or distrusting that flattery. Looking at our son as the king of the house, deserving of all the good and not the bad, does not build self-esteem.

●Avoid overprotecting them. Many moms and dads usually prepare our children’s backpacks and even do their homework with the intention of helping them, but it is important that they can solve these issues on their own. Self-esteem is strengthened with the “gift of no”. The “NO” is not a punishment.

●Show us vulnerable. When we parents show ourselves to be very perfect, the children feel little value. It is healthy to show them that we also fail and have weaknesses, because that way they can be encouraged to tell us if something is difficult for them. For example, if our daughter or son does not “hook up a boyfriend or girlfriend”, we can tell them about the times they left us and how we got over it.

CULTIVATE EMPATHY

Teaching children to put themselves in other people’s shoes helps them to be better people and to have a kinder and more inclusive view of the world.

●Teach yourself to put yourself in the place of the other. It is important that children learn that there are things that may seem silly to them, but that hurt others, such as jokes. If a colleague is having a hard time, that should be the limit, regardless of whether it makes us laugh.

●Validate and regulate emotions. Guys should learn to put negative emotions into words without going over each other’s body. The word helps to regulate emotions and allows us to find solutions to conflicts.

●Don’t force. When faced with anger or a violent situation, we have to encourage our children to look inward, evaluate what they did and ask for forgiveness, seeking to repair the damage. We have to give these processes time, both to ask for forgiveness and to forgive.

FORM THE DIALOGUE

It is important that adults provide spaces where children can talk and tell what is happening to them.

●Share your own experience. Dialogue is enabled by putting ourselves at the same level as the boys (although never as a couple) and telling them about the difficult times we experienced when we were their age: “When I was a girl I had a fight with a friend”, “I had a bad time, I didn’t have programmes”, to give just a few examples.

●Watch a movie or video with them. It serves any excuse that allows to open the stage. In general, boys do not like to be asked direct questions, but rather think about the problem by putting it outside. “What would you do if you saw an unfair situation? What do you think about certain words? What is trust for you? ”. We can go to very concrete situations.

●Pay attention to your interests. It is key to do it with adolescents. One option is to pay attention to the lyrics of the songs that the children listen to, to know what they are finding in them. The same with video games or any other interest they have.

●Give them time. You have to create spaces to talk and not do it in a hurry. Sometimes we parents become organizers or administrators of life and do not spend time talking about more general things with a receptive attitude. The idea is to set up situations so that our son or daughter can tell us what they want.

PROMOTE VALUES

Values ​​such as respect, honesty and solidarity are learned at home and are essential for a violence-free upbringing.

●Value diversity. Guys always ask about the difference and you have to answer. The reality is that they tend to value diversity and include the other if they come from families that do. The phrase “it’s okay to be different” has to be sustained with everything: with the body, with the look, with the opening of doors, with “non-prejudice” and “non-stereotype”. Our example is key.

●Take into account the possible “no”. We have to teach our children that many times they will not be chosen. Nobody is always chosen for everything. We can help them understand the reasons that a colleague may have to invite you, or not, to an event, in the same way that they may want to invite a friend and not another. What must always be clear is that organizing among all to leave someone out is not a possible option.

●Teach them to cultivate healthy relationships. A healthy relationship implies the possibility of thinking and feeling differently than the other, knowing that we can present our discomforts and needs without fear that the bond will be broken because of that. When guys connect in a healthy way, they don’t feel between a rock and a hard place when invited to play without their best friend, because they understand that you can have multiple best friends. It’s different when they tell us, for example, “they didn’t invite my friend, but I want to go”, because they think that to be someone’s friend they have to do everything together.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Adults have to take charge of the violent situations that arise, providing guidance and giving the children possible alternatives.

●Stay present. Faced with a hostile comment we do not have to let them fix themselves. Even if it’s not about our son, we have to question: What did you mean? Did you think if he or she was hurt by what you said? Why do you think you can do/say that? If the answer is that the other “can’t” or “doesn’t know”, we can ask if it makes him feel more powerful that someone else can’t respond in the same way.

●to question Some questions we can ask ourselves: where or why did my child learn this? Am I passing it on to him somehow? Is this a value in your peer group? If so, how can we accompany the boys so that they build other ways of being together?

●Put limits. If our son asks us to invite all the classmates except one, and we let him pass, it is most likely that when he is left out, we will also have to let him pass. If instead we teach him that he has to invite everyone, we help him set the example and protect him from being excluded in the future.

●Propose alternatives. If among all the girls they leave one out because she doesn’t like the same things, or because the group builds the bond based on “us” and “her”, we adults can show them other spaces in which that girl has a lot of to offer. You can do “meetings of originalities”. What different thing do you have and can you show? What do you solve otherwise? What do you like to do that others don’t like? There is much that can be proposed by moms, dads and caregivers of children.

●Do not press. Many teens don’t get involved with the group because they don’t share the same interests as most. There are many ways to be friends in adolescence, and you don’t necessarily have to have a large reference group. Sometimes that need is rather from the parents.